User Profile

Neil is a happy fluffy sort of individual, well liked and respected in his community. He is known for his cheery smile and friendly greeting to all-comers, friends and strangers alike. Neighbours will tell of Neil's kindness to children and his penchant for rescuing old ladies' cats from tall trees.

Neil has an extraordinary sense of smell. His local paper recorded a heart-warming tale of how he sniffed a puppy trapped in a burning building two miles away, and how he ran there in ten minutes, dived inside and rescued the terrified canine from the encroaching flames. His valour earned him a local community service award, which sits proudly on his mantelpiece.

Neil is also known for his fabulous repertoire of jokes and impressions. He is often requested to perform at Working Mens Clubs, where he charges a nominal fee and likes to call out the bingo. Neil is also available as an escort to lonely young ladies, who have important social functions to attend. He never gets involved in Hanky Panky though as he has a strict moral code.

Neil claims to have a number of inventions to his name including the electric toothbrush, the remote control, several contagious diseases and a mind control ray that can pierce tinfoil. Less succeesful inventions include the chocolate vibrator and a time machine that malfunctions due to a faulty rubber band. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Neil may have once trained as a Psychotherapist. Whilst this has never been investigated, unrelated rumours also suggested that he began to take an unusual interest in harnessing lightning and acquired a set of strobe lights and a gold pocket watch. When confronted with this, Neil fended it off with a nervous laugh.

Neil is known to have had an interesting and varied career. His memoirs, allegedly written in a mountain retreat in Nepal, recount how he fought in the Korean War, despite being just a twinkle in his Daddy's eye. He was also outed on American TV as the man who held the camera on the Moon landings, answering conspiracy theorists' lingering doubts. Several years later, though, Neil was discredited following an unsuccessful hunt for Bigfoot; this after earning worldwide praise for single-handedly overthrowing Communism in a number of East European countries. Neil was recently sacked from his latest job in a fast food restaurant, after accidentally bringing a piece of fruit into work. Rumours abound that he is the fifth Teletubby, though Neil has yet to comment.

What is often less well known about Neil is his darker side. His chief ambition is to win the lottery, build an underground bunker on a Pacific island and rule the world with an iron fist. World leaders have expressed concern at Neil's tyrannical ambitions, though the issue remains deadlocked within the UN Security Council. Meanwhile, Neil remains at large claiming he can sort his problems out through his Therapist, and that his megalomania arose from him not being given enough power as a child.

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What famous people have said about Neil*:

John Milton "Neil wrote Paradise Lost and I nicked it off him"

Jacques Rousseau "If everyone did what Neil said, they'd all be dead by now"

Vera Duckworth "I love Neil like a pet, and I'm only a fictional character"

Plato "I got the idea for Republic after talking to Neil"

Oscar Wilde "The only thing worse than being Neil, is not being Neil"

* - Allegedly

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Finally, some quotes about Neil:

robinbloke: "Standing eighty nine feet tall and breathing radioactive fire, neilhist has destroyed three major cities and an ice-cream factory."

tooth_fairy: "he is not the king of the orange peel people, he's a very naughty boy"

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